The Power of Words: Choosing Language That Builds Up

Words carry weight. The way we phrase things can either build relationships or tear them down. Scripture makes it clear--“The tongue has the power of life and death” (Proverbs 18:21, NIV). That’s not just a poetic way of saying words matter; it’s a reality. The way we communicate, especially when we’re frustrated, can either open a door for conversation or shut it down completely.

The Difference Between a Fight and a Conversation
Take these two statements:

• Accusatory: “You didn’t do the dishes.”
• Neutral: “The dishes didn’t get done.”

See the difference? The first one feels like an attack. The second just states a fact. One makes a person defensive, the other makes room for discussion.

James 1:19 reminds us, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV). The way we phrase things can be the difference between a productive conversation and an unnecessary argument.

A Few More Examples

• Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
  Try: “I don’t feel heard right now.”
  (Why? The first assumes intent. The second expresses a feeling, which makes it easier for the other person to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.)
• Instead of: “You always forget to text me back.”
  Try: “I didn’t get a text back, and I wasn’t sure if you saw my message.”
  (Why? “Always” and “never” are rarely true and usually just escalate things. The second option states the situation without making accusations.)
• Instead of: “You messed this up.”
  Try: “This didn’t turn out how I expected.”
  (Why? The first one puts all the focus on the person’s failure. The second keeps it about the situation, leaving space for problem-solving rather than blame.)

Speaking with Grace—Like Jesus Did
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (NIV). That’s the standard—words that build up, not tear down.

Jesus modeled this. When Peter denied Him three times, Jesus didn’t come back at him with, “Wow, you really blew it, huh?” Instead, He asked, “Do you love me?” (John 21:15-17). He gave Peter a way forward rather than rubbing his failure in his face. That’s the kind of communication we should aim for—truth spoken with grace.

How to Make This a Habit
Next time you’re about to bring something up, take a second and ask yourself:

1. Am I assuming bad intent?
2. Does my wording sound like an attack?
3. Am I stating a fact, or am I placing blame?

Choosing words wisely doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations. It just means framing them in a way that actually leads to resolution instead of resentment. Proverbs 15:1 nails it: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (NIV).

Let’s be people who speak in a way that brings life, not destruction.